My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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