The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
