i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
