just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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