He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
