Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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