Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
