did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
