i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
