Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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