So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
