I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
