The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
