I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
