Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
