Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
