If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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