You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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