If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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