tonight lets celebrate not being married
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
