I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
