That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
