did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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