I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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