yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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