dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
