Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
