Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
