when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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