Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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