i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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