You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
