u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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