he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
