Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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