My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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