do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it glows. i had to have it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You're like the curious george of whores
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
