Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
