I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
