Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
