OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it hurts more in the daytime
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
