i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
