I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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