Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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