Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
