you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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