i just snorted my name. best moment ever
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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