So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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