Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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