The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
