if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize