im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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