When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
