don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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