I just cut my nipple shaving
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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