Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize