so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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